Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Bravest Thing, Running Through the Fields

The first thing I read this morning, as I lay in my bed, just waking up was this, shared by my friend Kathy on Facebook.

the bravest thing by the beautiful due

maybe the bravest thing
is opening your eyes in the
morning and placing your
two feet on the cold floor and
rising up against the gravity
of the night. maybe that’s the
brave thing from which all other
bravery flows, the brave to
seek ye first. maybe that’s the
single thing God requires of you,
the spiritual discipline that takes
all your will to muster. Swallow
down the fear, my child, and face
the dawning day for what the
surface of the world needs most
of all is bravery skipping and
you, yes you are the stone.

The words stayed with me as I showered. I'm a shower thinker. It's where things just fall in to place in my brain, where things make sense.

And I thought, yes, for right now, it's brave of me to get out of bed. To shower, to pick out mostly clean clothes (I totally wore the same jeans as yesterday) and go in to work. To push beyond a cold that I can't shake. There's a silent courage as I steer my car through traffic for up to two hours to get to my office. It is not my favorite job, but frankly, it pays a mortgage and feeds a family. And I'm not giving up.

The irony of my day job and my love of leading retreats was not missed this morning, either. I stand in front of groups and tell them to be brave of heart, that often times courage is just the act of showing up. That we must give ourselves credit for showing up.

And yet I'm so hard on myself; demanding more than I know may be reasonable. There is a list a mile long in my head and on Cozi just waiting for me. I'm not giving myself credit for the million things I do. I can only see what's undone, what I wish I could do, what I wish I had time for.

This morning, though, it sunk in that I'd done "the brave thing from which all other bravery flows," I've risen from bed, rising for the day, rising to meet challenges. I'm trying with all of my might to be "bravery skipping," running through the field, and all the while plotting and acting to make my dreams a reality.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I'm Hereby Giving Myself Permission To ...

- be lazy

- act a little crazy

- be mad that the last year has not been what I chose or even what I tried to make it 

- see that there is good in the bad

- “lean in” to boundaries which is the opposite of the stupid Sheryl Sandberg "leaning in" not really care about the climb or the ladder or the executive world

- like Laura Ingalls Wilder and Battlestar Galactica and Firefly because they are all about discovering new things and living life on the edge of what’s known, and not being afraid to say its not easy

- spend time doing things I like and tell that one lady leading that getting ready for baby class to go jump off a cliff because we don’t have to stop doing what we love just because we become parents. 
We should do even more of what we love when we become parents

- follow my own path, even if I’m not altogether sure where that’s going to lead, or if it will please my parents or whoever the heck “they” or "them" are

- love the Franciscans and what they stand for, while still loving other religious ideas

- be fascinated by the impact of generations, and which generation we each are a part of

- want to help people figure out what they want to do 

- give more of a try at photography

- be upset about my current job

- own and live and breathe that I AM a retreat leader. I’ve already done it. Already living the dream. Now I just need to figure out how to do it every day

- say things are not ok

- raise my kiddo how I want to, and not worry about other people and how they raise their kids

- explore new things because that’s probably what those never-ending dreams of going back to school are telling me - that I need to find a new thing to do, to follow my heart and just go see what happens. I never really lived out “religious studies” but I spent so long studying it. I need to figure out what it means and why I have spent so much time with it

- get over other people worrying about what I do. or what it means about me. or what it means about them, or anything. I want to do what I love.

- talking about what makes me happy and just going for it

- speak my mind if something just doesn’t make sense and I’d suggest doing it another way, especially in any capacity in which I’m being paid for such an opinion.

- join a religious group or attend a church if that’s what I want to do.

- forget to send thank you notes, knowing full well that I really meant to and now it’s somehow way past the ok amount of time to say thanks, when I really love those people

- say no to the stuff I just don’t want to do

- be a mom

- listen to Fall Out Boy, The Shins, Jimmy Eat World and musics, and cry my eyes out every single time I hear "Goodbye Love" from Rent 

- believe that I have the experience to make it happen.