This week, one of my posts (about losing weight, regaining myself) is being featured on Emily Wierenga's blog "Chasing Silhouettes." I hope you'll take a moment to pop over and read that post :)
Since September of last year, I've lost about 21 pounds, as of my last weigh in (probably 2 weeks ago now). For those of you that like to use "The Biggest Loser" as a comparison for things, that's about 15.5% of my original weight. I'm a short woman, just 4'10".
Part of my journey has been relearning eating patterns after having been pregnant. That might sound odd, but I found that eating and food was a completely different situation for me when I was carrying Zoom. When I was pregnant, I was always fearful of getting hungry because my blood sugar would plummet, leaving me feeling just awful. I would routinely get up in the middle of the night and eat a cup of almonds, or string cheese, and I kept Cliff Bars with me all the time.
I'm sure that after I had Zoom, there was a psychological factor involved in why I continued to eat too much. I was trying to avoid feeling awful. Awful about the prolonged birthing process that I encountered, awful about not bringing him home with us, just awful. It was more than a brain can process. And I was constantly reliving every decision, wondering if I had done something wrong that resulted in Zoom's having to stay in the hospital for six days, wondering why I had not insisted that something be done say, after 2 days in labor.
But I can't question those things, as it's futile. I've learned to be OK with those things. Zoom is fine now, full of life, and love, and such a wonderful questioning toddler. His life and happiness, his funny way of embracing everything, well, that taught me to move on. I could be stuck in the past, I could sit questioning, or I could wake up and live for now. "Be here, now." (as Ram Dass might say.) I chose to do that. And with that, I chose to fight to be the person I want to be.
That's perhaps more than I've shared here before. But, in some way, I hope that it helps someone else. We all go through very difficult times, each of us in our own way experiences some kind of brokenness. I found a rock to cling to, a promise of great hope, often looking back at me in my little boy's eyes. All of life is a testament to overcoming the hard times. There is a lesson in every moment, all of it's sacred. We just have to look for the Holiness, the Promise, the Life in the hard moments, to see we are each cherished, loved, called by name, and that God delights in each one of us.
Want to read more about my Weight Loss Challenge? Here are my posts, in order:
Losing Weight, Regaining Myself
It's a Miracle, a Quote from Boston Johnny
I am the Second Biggest Loser, It's Official
Happiness Project: Some Thoughts on Energy